She is the perfect mom - a combination of Angelina Jolie in the bedroom, Martha Stewart in the kitchen and the Florence Henderson of carpools - all neatly compartmentalized into the perfect version of “mom.” Add a child with special needs to the mix and this “superwoman” is up to the challenge!
She is the one who finds the best advocate for her child with special needs IEP and she cannot wait to tell you how successful she has been in getting in securing therapy services for her child’s disability. She is the mom who effortlessly launches her own business from her home and maintains an award-winning blog with advertisers and a possible television show in the works. She is a walking, talking burst of energy that never collapses and always looks great even after a trip to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Whether it is the latest gluten-free recipe or a perfect holiday season strategy, she makes the work and challenges of raising a child with special needs appear almost story book. Truth be known, we all know her or someone like this “supermom.” Who is she? She is a myth. And in 2011, we vote for the killing of supermom!
More and more moms of kids with special needs are making a dirty little confession. Not only do they feel overloaded, and sometimes misunderstood, but there’s also intense competition among moms to compare how many services they have been able to secure for their children. Special needs families must deal with multiple doctors’ appointments and school issues as well as the mental and physical stress that comes with caring for a child with disabilities says Libby Johnson of St. Paul, MN. Her 17-year-old son, Leo, is wheelchair-bound with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, and her 23-year-old son, Alex, has severe mental and physical disabilities, requiring him to live in a group home.
“In the past, I put intense pressure on myself to be perfect,” says Libby. “I felt this need to demonstrate to the world that my kids are happy and well-cared for and that we’re living a normal life. I wanted to look strong and show that I can handle all of this, but the effort that takes can be very exhausting.”
Libby says that she’s learning to cut herself some slack, and accept that she’s doing the very best that she can for her family. “I’ve come to realize that I can’t meet everyone else’s needs and expectations,” whether in the bedroom, kitchen or social situations. Here’s how she’s putting the “supermom myth” to rest, and advice on how you can, too.
Acknowledge that you’re special. While Libby and her husband, Miguel, strive to lead as regular lives as possible, she’s also found incredible relief in giving herself permission to be different from other families. “We’ve got unique challenges and we do things our way, and that’s OK. Instead of struggling to meet the standard of the ‘typical’ family, whatever that is, we now live the life that’s best for us.”
Treat yourself to chill time. Grab it whenever you can. Since Leo can’t turn over by himself, Libby gets up several times a night. So, she’ll go to bed early, nap or sleep-in whenever possible. “Miguel is wonderful about giving me the chance to rest when I look tired,” she says. “Do what’s most calming for you,” she adds. Everyone has his or her own relaxation style. Some families need to get away, while others recharge by being homebodies. “We used to make a big effort to go out with friends or on romantic weekend getaways, but arranging the care for Leo became overwhelming and tiring,” she says. “Now we find it much more relaxing to stay home and watch a movie.” The family has also found a new social outlet in Leon’s Power Soccer games, a sport designed for athletes in wheelchairs. (www.powersoccerusa.net).
Derail one-upmanship. Libby was surprised at the level of competitiveness among moms and dads on the soccer sidelines and in other social settings. “Special needs parents often boast about the services that they’ve snagged for their children, and sometimes pressure you into seeking similar programs,” she says. So Libby and Miguel have scripted phrases at the ready. “We’ll say things like, ‘That sounds great for your child, but Leo’s services are working well for him,’ or ‘That’s wonderful, but it doesn’t work for us.’”
Ask for help and accept it gracefully. Since Miguel loves to cook, Libby is happy to make him master of the kitchen. She doesn’t do much holiday decorating or entertaining anymore either. “My dad loves doing things up for the holidays, so we just go over there. I was never the Martha Stewart type anyway.” In times of crisis, like when Leo had surgery, her neighbors delivered groceries and meals, and Libby reciprocates when they need a hand. “I’ve gotten better at identifying the things that wear me out, and no longer try to do it all. You’ve got to preserve your energy for the things that really matter.”
Do you suffer from the supermom myth? Tell us your experience. »
She is the one who finds the best advocate for her child with special needs IEP and she cannot wait to tell you how successful she has been in getting in securing therapy services for her child’s disability. She is the mom who effortlessly launches her own business from her home and maintains an award-winning blog with advertisers and a possible television show in the works. She is a walking, talking burst of energy that never collapses and always looks great even after a trip to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Whether it is the latest gluten-free recipe or a perfect holiday season strategy, she makes the work and challenges of raising a child with special needs appear almost story book. Truth be known, we all know her or someone like this “supermom.” Who is she? She is a myth. And in 2011, we vote for the killing of supermom!
More and more moms of kids with special needs are making a dirty little confession. Not only do they feel overloaded, and sometimes misunderstood, but there’s also intense competition among moms to compare how many services they have been able to secure for their children. Special needs families must deal with multiple doctors’ appointments and school issues as well as the mental and physical stress that comes with caring for a child with disabilities says Libby Johnson of St. Paul, MN. Her 17-year-old son, Leo, is wheelchair-bound with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, and her 23-year-old son, Alex, has severe mental and physical disabilities, requiring him to live in a group home.
“In the past, I put intense pressure on myself to be perfect,” says Libby. “I felt this need to demonstrate to the world that my kids are happy and well-cared for and that we’re living a normal life. I wanted to look strong and show that I can handle all of this, but the effort that takes can be very exhausting.”
Libby says that she’s learning to cut herself some slack, and accept that she’s doing the very best that she can for her family. “I’ve come to realize that I can’t meet everyone else’s needs and expectations,” whether in the bedroom, kitchen or social situations. Here’s how she’s putting the “supermom myth” to rest, and advice on how you can, too.
Acknowledge that you’re special. While Libby and her husband, Miguel, strive to lead as regular lives as possible, she’s also found incredible relief in giving herself permission to be different from other families. “We’ve got unique challenges and we do things our way, and that’s OK. Instead of struggling to meet the standard of the ‘typical’ family, whatever that is, we now live the life that’s best for us.”
Treat yourself to chill time. Grab it whenever you can. Since Leo can’t turn over by himself, Libby gets up several times a night. So, she’ll go to bed early, nap or sleep-in whenever possible. “Miguel is wonderful about giving me the chance to rest when I look tired,” she says. “Do what’s most calming for you,” she adds. Everyone has his or her own relaxation style. Some families need to get away, while others recharge by being homebodies. “We used to make a big effort to go out with friends or on romantic weekend getaways, but arranging the care for Leo became overwhelming and tiring,” she says. “Now we find it much more relaxing to stay home and watch a movie.” The family has also found a new social outlet in Leon’s Power Soccer games, a sport designed for athletes in wheelchairs. (www.powersoccerusa.net).
Derail one-upmanship. Libby was surprised at the level of competitiveness among moms and dads on the soccer sidelines and in other social settings. “Special needs parents often boast about the services that they’ve snagged for their children, and sometimes pressure you into seeking similar programs,” she says. So Libby and Miguel have scripted phrases at the ready. “We’ll say things like, ‘That sounds great for your child, but Leo’s services are working well for him,’ or ‘That’s wonderful, but it doesn’t work for us.’”
Ask for help and accept it gracefully. Since Miguel loves to cook, Libby is happy to make him master of the kitchen. She doesn’t do much holiday decorating or entertaining anymore either. “My dad loves doing things up for the holidays, so we just go over there. I was never the Martha Stewart type anyway.” In times of crisis, like when Leo had surgery, her neighbors delivered groceries and meals, and Libby reciprocates when they need a hand. “I’ve gotten better at identifying the things that wear me out, and no longer try to do it all. You’ve got to preserve your energy for the things that really matter.”
Do you suffer from the supermom myth? Tell us your experience. »