The teen years are tough for any parent, but they can be particularly challenging when your child has special needs. “Often these kids have no filter and say or do whatever comes into their heads,” says Dawn Marie Carpanzano, the mom of 4-year-old Noelle and 13-year-old Claudia, who has autism. If she’s hot, Claudia may whip off her clothes, no matter who’s around.

“You can’t get rattled by this stuff,” says Dawn Marie. It takes patience as well as clear and simple directions and “a whole lot of humor” to deal with the things that come up. Here’s how she handles some sensitive situations with her daughter.

Puberty. Claudia got her period at age 11, but since she has a developmental disability (she reads at a 2nd grade level), Dawn Marie had to explain what was happening to her in a way that she would understand. “First of all, I called it menstruation, even though that’s a big word, because if I used the word ‘period,’ then she would get confused with the punctuation that she’s learning in school.” Then, Dawn Marie gave her the basic facts, “There will be blood, and you will need a pad.”

Boys. Claudia is very affectionate, as are all the kids in her special needs school. However, now that she’s an adolescent and her hormones have kicked in, “We feel that we need to give her boundaries to protect herself,” says Dawn Marie. “We tell her, ‘You have to be 18 for hugging and kissing. Until then, you can give high fives.’” The school is very good about reinforcing these rules, and they also talk a lot about stranger dangers and good/bad touches. Still, “Claudia really wants a boyfriend,” says Dawn Marie, and if there’s someone she likes, she’ll say, “I can only high-five him now, but when I’m 18 I’m going to give him a big hug.”

Impulsiveness. Claudia gets easily overheated, and when she gets home from school, she wants her clothes off right away. Dawn Marie is trying to teach her alternatives to stripping when people are over. She’ll tell Claudia, “When we have guests, you have to stay dressed,” and then give her something lightweight and comfortable to put on. Kids with special needs often need a lot of physical stimulation, and will sometimes rock or rub up against things. Instead of doing it the living room, or announcing matter-of-factly during a party, “I’m going upstairs to rock now,” Dawn Marie has taught her to say, “I’m going up to my room and closing the door.” You should keep the rules consistent, simple and at a level that your child can understand. “Instead of saying, ‘Don’t do that,’ I find it more helpful to show her the things that are appropriate,“ says Dawn Marie.

Links and Resources »

Puberty and Your Child with Autism
Teens and Puberty
National Women's Health Center and Menstruation Information
Parent Support Forums